Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Do what you fear the most

 Hellingley abandoned asylum by andre govia

“Its the loneliness thats the killer”

Photo by andre.govia

The National Stuttering Association Convention was amazing. Even though I’m not a person who stutters, I had a week of epiphanies.

With avoidance reduction therapy for stuttering, we challenge people who stutter to do what they fear the most whether it be openly stuttering while giving a presentation or purposefully stuttering when introducing yourself. What’s the worse that can happen?

While I was sitting on the edge of Lake Erie, trying to figure out my life, I had the following conversation in my head:

What do I fear the most. Being alone. That’s why I hate grocery shopping because it accentuates my status of being alone. Alone. So much of my effort is to stave off the existential fear of loneliness.

How do I jump in and do what I fear the most? How do I embrace loneliness?

I’ll plan a trip. I’ll take a journey in which I am alone and can delve into enjoying the world by myself. No blogging. No twittering. No texting. Just absorbing. Journaling. Praying. Pondering.

What kind of trip do I want to take. I could go camping. I’m sure Whitney’s family would let me borrow a tent and some gear. I’ll do it when I get back from Tennessee. It needs to be somewhere conducive to swimming and cycling.

I wonder who would want to go on my alone trip with me?

Perhaps this is going to be harder than I thought.


Pamela said...

I too feared being lonely when I found the courage to leave a long relationship last year.
Have you read Elizabeth Gilbert's
"Eat, Pray, Love". She goes off by herself to discover her self.


Jocelyn said...

Thanks, Pam. Yes, during my divorce, a coworker gave me that book. It takes such courage to leave a relationship and accept that the possibility of being alone is better than being in a relationship that isn't working.

druzhiche said...

Traveling alone can be very rewarding. A few years ago I went backpacking alone in New Zealand for 5 weeks. To my surprise I was rarely lonely. There were always friendly travelers and locals being more then willing to connect. The couple of times that I was hiking alone, felt incredible. To have everything you need to survive on your back, to be completely self-sufficient, to do it and come out of it ok, was very spiritual.

I wish you the best of luck on your trip alone. Great meeting you at NSA :-)


Adri said...

Well I'd go on your alone trip with you... if only to have someone staying in the tent next door so that when the bear comes and attacks the cooler you have a witness to recount how brave your were...

Geevz said...

ok, my first thought was, "Fun I want to go with you!" then realized that is completely against the point. My friend started small and went to a movie by herself. I can't make myself do that, but I have hiked solo and it. was. amazing. Baby steps?

Geevz said...

AND funny story about Eat Pray Love (just read the rest of the comments). So once upon a time I started reading it on a hammock at your place. Then you lovingly gave it to me and I was super excited. Then I flew home and stuck it in seat pocket of the airplane for a little nap, repeating to myself 'don't forget this don't forget this' like a mantra. And then I woke up groggy in Phoenix, made it to the curb for a ride and "ah crap." But I wasn't super upset because I like to think of the universe as a cosmic place that is sending that book to someone who needs to read it. Hope you aren't upset.