Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It’s here

In case you’re not aware…

end of august

the end of August has arrived. Summer vacation has been delightful. I start back to work on Monday. Wish me luck!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

A search for loneliness brought peace

When I searched flickr for a picture for my blog post about the fear of loneliness, I found images that encapsulated peace and contemplation rather than the anxiety of being lonely. Hopefully my private escape designed to explore solitude will bring similar results of peace and clarity. I welcome the poetic parallel.

You Are Sunshine, You Are Rain by Ben Heine

You Are Sunshine, You Are Rain by Ben Heine via flickr

statue

Another Place

Another Place by Deepinon via flickr

Welcome to Wadi Rum...(...Back from Jordan!!)

Welcome to Wadi Rum…(…Back from Jordan!!) by Marcelo Ruiz via flickr

Man Jogging

Man Jogging by back to menu via flickr

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I <3 the San Diego Zoo

Besides spending time with my parents and seeing old friends, visiting the San Diego Zoo was the highlight of my trip to SoCal.

My mom and I are very similar in many ways, but we definitely have differences when it comes to taking pictures.

Here are some of the pictures she took from our outing to the zoo:

IMG_3271 IMG_3133IMG_3055 IMG_3073 IMG_3053IMG_3193 IMG_3183

Here are a few of my pictures:

IMG_0991 IMG_1001 IMG_0990 IMG_0989IMG_0994 IMG_1003 IMG_1004 IMG_1013 IMG_1014IMG_1008 IMG_1031

I’m all out of love…I’m so lost without you

Air Supply

It’s Spring Break 1998. I’m visiting my idolized sister at Rick’s College in Rexburg, Idaho. The taste of freedom, independence, and autonomy makes this 16 year old girl hunger for the end of high school and the beginning of a new adventure. Of course, there’s a soundtrack to this preview week: Air Supply plays on the boom box on repeat over and over as we sing our hearts out in the cinder-block lined dorms. My all time favorite song is Making Love Out of Nothing At All

The beating of my heart’s a drum and it’s lost and it’s looking for a rhythm like you.

Catchy, huh? Especially for a girl who has NO RHYTHM. Love it! Please be sure to sing those lyrics at the top of your lungs. That’s what you’re supposed to do with Air Supply.

But I'm never gonna make it without you. Do you really want to see my crawl?

But I don't know how to leave you

Somehow I incorporate their words into my vision of what a relationship looks like. This independent girl, decides to adopt codependent behaviors. LAME!

…'cause everything I know well it's nothing till I give it to you

Flash forward to the present day. I’m trying to squeeze my accumulated belongings into the smallest bedroom I’ve ever lived in while my iPod plays on random. Ah…Air Supply comes on and I hear the lyrics with new ears. I realize: this is BOGUS! This is everything I’m fighting against in my quest for parity, sanity, respect, individuality. This is where I mess things up. On one hand I’m a die hard feminist who balks when gender roles place me in holes I don’t want to be in, but on the other hand, I have ridiculous lyrics running through my head that tell me that my life does not have meaning unless I share it with a mate and that I cannot make it without a partner. I talk the feminist talk, but do I walk the feminist walk? We call this cognitive dissonance. People go to therapy to deal with cognitive dissonance.

I’ve had some good talks with friends the last month. I’ve been challenged to build quality friendships with men who aren’t on my dating radar and with people who are vastly different from me. I had a heart to heart with a kindred spirit about how we subconsciously measure our own worth and other women’s worth based on validation from men. We see ourselves as feminists, but we still look to men for affirmation. How many of my conversations with acquaintances and friends actually pass the Bechdel Test? It’s time for some change.

I am a daughter of a God. My life has inherit meaning. While I want to be a mother and a wife, that is not my solitary purpose in life. I used to do things to prepare myself for motherhood. Now I do things because I find joy in them. That’s the lesson I want the Young Women program to teach: joy.

I am not out of love. “I have all my life to live. I have all my love to give!” Love is a renewable energy source: you can’t run out of it. I know who I am and where I’m going. The beating of my heart may be a drum, but it’s not lost. The arrhythmia gives my beat character.

I can make it on my own. (I can buy groceries just for myself. I can make delicious well planned dinners for myself.) You’ll probably see me crawl, but that’s because I really enjoy the sensory input from army crawling. It’s actually a lot of fun. (Thanks, Tamara, for teaching me about ways to deal with my sensory seeking, and thanks, Jack, for teaching me the real way to low crawl – it’s good to have a brother-in-law who knows the Air Force Way.)

I do know how to leave, and being alone is powerful and beautiful – nothing to be afraid of.

Cause everything I know, well it’s the sum of hard lessons. They’re lessons that are written on my heart and have great value to me.

Air Supply has been deleted from my iPod.

Friday, August 20, 2010

I should have paid her more…

I knew her when

I introduced my friends to my sister last month. She had stories to tell. What was going to be my friends picking me up at Tamara’s to head to Mexico for a week, turned into a missed flight and 12 people under one roof. Thank you, Tamara, for being such a flexible and accommodating hostess. Less than 24 hours after saying she’d prefer to sleep on the floor than to share a bed with me, she invited me to share her bed since we were a bit short. Tamara entertained the gang during dinner by recounting our childhood adventures including swinging on cabinet doors, using the ends of green onions to transform ourselves into walruses, and eavesdropping on dramatic story time. I really should have coughed up a bit more to keep some of those stories quiet.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

How to be alone

Why is it that when you learn a new vocabulary word (a word you swear you’ve never heard before) that you discover it around every corner: in books you read, in articles you digest, in your friends’ descriptions of life?

So there I was minding my own business, trying to catch up on the abundant reading material that has collected in my Google Reader while I’ve been away on vacation, when I stumbled across this gem: Dancing…Alone.

While I’ve been meditating on the concept of being alone, I run into affirmations of the beauty and tranquility that comes from being comfortable with solitude. Enjoy this video: How to Be Alone

I don’t think I’m quite ready to go dancing by myself. Maybe…someday.



Post Script: I was going to wait until next week to post this blog; however, this morning two of my favorite bloggers have touched on this same topic…so you’ll just have to deal with 2 posts from me in one day because I want to join the throng. Enjoy!

Adri wrote about this same video: –If you are at first lonely

Joshua Becker wrote a great post on becoming minimalist: Solitude:Where Your Life is Waiting

Distracting thoughts

Pews 

Photo by AllAboutMormons.com

During church I want to think about the sermon. I want to receive personal revelation. I want to understand God’s will for me. However, it takes all my energy not to wonder if I could army crawl underneath the pews without hitting my head.

After watching this video, I’m pretty sure I could…if I really wanted to.